Can I just go now?

I’m getting really fed up with where I am. The US presidential election is driving me nuts. My parents are starting to drive me nuts, and I may be spending the next year at home. I’m going stir crazy being in the same kinds of areas.

But I just really really want to be strategic.

I want a teaching degree and a possible ESL masters certification. I want that done as efficiently and quickly and cheaply as possible. And then I want to go start planning my move overseas.

Granted, I will also probably wait on my boyfriend to finish up medical school and all. But I’ll at least probably live with him, hustle and save, and then live life where I want.

I just wish I could fast forward to where I would feel comfortable and established enough that I would be confident starting life in Japan. Hell I don’t even know how to start my own life here in the US at this point.

Hopefully I can bust out of this place sooner rather than later. Even if it’s just for a vacation at this point.

x, Sarah

Redefining my Goal

I’m currently at school in West Virginia with my boyfriend. I’m in a program for Math Education, but I want to teach science, so I’m also a biology major. This will tack on at least an extra year.

You all know how my goal is to one day go abroad. If I’m over in Japan, I will most likely be grouped into teaching English which is fine by me. So why am I wasting time dual majoring when I don’t need to? (Oh, and also spending a ton more money).

So I’ve applied to schools with biology education programs back in my home state of New Jersey, that are public schools that I’ll get a nice discount from. This way, I may only need an extra semester (or a few summer courses this break) to graduate. Although I’m upset since I love this school and my friends and of course being so close to my boyfriend, I’m looking out for what’s best for my (and to a degree, our) future, and how I can get to my goals faster.

So Step Four in my Prepare for Japan Plan: Don’t Waste Time Getting a Degree. Wish me luck on my acceptances!

Also, I had to make a video on a place I’d like to travel to for one of my classes. If people would be interested, I could possibly post that here.

x, Sarah 

I felt this post needed a picture so enjoy some cherry blossoms

When You Talk Too Much

This has nothing to do with the main theme of this blog by the way.

A lot of times I feel like I’ve become the boy who cried wolf. Accidentally of course.

I get excited about a lot of things. Like, very little minuscule things. I’m also obsessed with planning things. That’s probably from my OCD (and no, I’m not using that lightly, you can ask the specialists).

So I talk a lot. But I’m also very shy. So I talk, a lot, to the same groups of people.

Sure part of me sees how this is annoying, but I really can’t help it. Do I feel guilty for asking when the campus clothing drive is being held daily? Yes, but I feel even worse not knowing. So I talk and I ask and I plan and I comment on everything; because I’m excited and I’m planning and I have an opinion that you just need to hear.

But a lot of times I get shot down. And it sucks.

My boyfriend showed me a video today that I’ve attempted to show him multiple times. I pointed it out, he came up with an excuse, but 90% of the time when I show him things it gets shrugged off. And sure a good deal of the cute cat videos or buffalo chicken dip recipes aren’t that important, but then he misses important things. Then he’s showing me a video I’ve seen and have been excited to show him.

And it’s not just my boyfriend. I’ll ask things multiple times in say a Facebook group, and after awhile posts go unread, I start apologizing. I pointed out to one girl that maybe if we had a community service schedule, I wouldn’t be frantically posting (because, well, that’s the only reason why I was). I was told that there was a schedule but she hadn’t posted it since no one had asked. I had only asked every day. Is my voice so unimportant that no one even cares to read or hear what I have to say?

I just constantly feel so annoying. I feel like my need to know what’s going on makes me seem like a nuisance. And I may be, I don’t know, that’s just how it feels. 

But I’m getting tired of it. There’s only so much blogs can do to help my need for talking, because you guys won’t tell me dates for events or the time of a class. Sure you may react to a video I post, but that’s about it.

If I stop talking will they realize? And if they do will they be upset, or excited that I finally shut up?

At least the Internet void has no choice but to let me speak.

x, Sarah

Losing an Hour, Gaining a Lot

Yes, we lost an hour yesterday. I barely even realized.

Now today, it’s kicking in.

No, not the need for coffee. But the fact that I feel great.

My body is loving the time change. I don’t know why. I feel so much better and so much ore productive now that it’s 8pm but 7pm in my mind. I feel like I can do it all.

I was on time or early to everything I had today (except missing my later shift of work study for an allergic reaction, but that’s not my fault obviously). Normally I am always running late and not focused but I’m caught up on everything and still feeling super productive. I was in such a winter slump and I didn’t realize that maybe it’s not the cold weather, but maybe it’s the time.

This feels so much more in tune with my body’s internal clock. And I’m loving it.

x, Sarah

Can you go abroad with an illness?

So when I tell people about my desire to live in another country, I occasionally get the person who says, “Well what’s stopping you from doing it now?!”

I’m pretty sure we’ve already talked about my parents, and specifically the fact that, well, they’re my source of health insurance. But there’s more than them and my boyfriend that I’m relying on.

I have Crohn’s disease. If you don’t know what this is, the short version is that my intestines are inflamed, so I can basically get stomach flu symptoms at any time. Because of my Crohn’s, I’m on 8-week infusions of this medication called Remicade. Now this was only approved recently (like 5+ years) in the US, where Crohn’s and related illnesses are pretty prevalent. Last night on my car ride home from college (spring break yay!), I realized that this probably isn’t available in Japan.

Granted, I met with my doctor this past week, and he said we may change my medication anyway to shots that I give myself (called Humira). I’m hoping that these can at least be shipped, and that they may be more readily available as it has been around somewhat longer. 

So does anyone have any advice for tackling this? Because granted, I could go abroad for an amount of time without worry, but living in Japan seems to be a long time off now.

Also, I’m going to be looking into ESL/EFL programs to possibly teach abroad! So that’s one issue I’m tackling at least 🙂

X, Sarah

Leap Day

Facebook this morning told me to make the most of my extra day. The irony in this was that I had just slept through both my classes for today.

I don’t understand this pressure to account for an extra day. It’s not like everything feels different right now. It may matter towards the end of the year, but the fact of the matter is that this day wasn’t created to just get things done, but rather to balance out the years. So it’s unnecessary pressure.

Now I’m not saying we can’t use this day to our advantage. Some pretty awesome things can be done. Like one of my high school friends had her baby this morning. Clubs are still going on and they’re still pushing through today, regardless if it’s March or February.

But I’m just going to try to use this day to get ahead of the laundry game. Wish me luck.

x, Sarah

Starting with Abroad

So I know my whole theme is “doing more than studying abroad”. But I am still in college, plus if a scholarship is involved, studying abroad is a good way to travel while you’re in college! I’m trying to find a good Japan based summer program that I can actually afford, but I’m having issues.

My problem is finding decent classes for my majors. One program offers a Japanese Literature class, which I need a literature class, and I would need one other class which would probably be an Intro to Japanese class. But I want to find a good program that would have classes that could relate to mathematics, biology, or education.

So I’m trying to find a program that adheres to that. I also want to find one that just stays IN Japan, as many are just to travel around Asia, and I don’t really want to just travel around, I won’t be able to stay focused then! 

Well, that’s about all I have. So I guess Step Three in the Prepare for Japan Plan: Prepare to Study Abroad. Hopefully that happens!

x, Sarah 

It’s OK to say NO

I’m a full time student. I’m a double major in Math Education and Biology. I’m the treasurer of Campus Activities Board. I’m the Vice-President of the Gaming Club, which I’m basically the President now that our official President has an ill family member. I’m an over-involved sister of Phi Kappa Delta who just started an academic program for our chapter. I tutor math as a part of my work study, and I also tutor a student from the local middle school for some extra cash. 

And I just said “no”.

I know, my plate is full. Up until recently, I was applying to become a Resident Assistant. The first interview went really well, but as time passed and I had the second group activity to look forward to, I became less and less excited. Then today, I woke up with my heart racing. I was in full blown panic about my RA interview tomorrow. Now not just nerves for an interview, but nerves because how the hell am I going to be an RA. I’m done with classes early, but I tutor every day until 4:30/5:00 because I absolutely love it, and well that’s what an education major does. Last night when I finally got to bed, after classes, a makeup exam, work, and doing errands, I was the most exhausted I had been. But the thing is, I loved every minute of it.

Now I don’t think I would love being an RA. Last night I started thinking, “If I get to busy being a resident assistant, what will I cut out?” And I came to the conclusion that, well, I would cut out being an RA. It’s not for me.

Now yesterday I wanted to post an article about “When Opportunity Knocks” and how I take on everything. But at some point I have to say no.

And I just did.

x, Sarah

Breaking Free

Every sort of freedom I do has had to be something dramatic.

But it’s also had to be something my parents agree with.

I know, I’m 20 years old and I could live on my own. But riddle me this: At 20 years old, would you be able to cover a major abdominal surgery cost on your own?

I’m constantly in fear of this. And I’m not sure if they know it or not, but that is a huge reason as to why I’m so reluctant to break the mold with my parents. My dad has federal health insurance, which completely covered my surgery back in 2014. And I mean hospital stay and all. Completely.

I’m pretty sure the price was around $60,000, but I also don’t pay the bills. That’s probably really really low.

I literally have $300 in my bank account right now. My 8 week infusions run for $4,000 without a help program, and then I believe $200-500 after that goes through.

I also don’t know if the medication I need is even available in other places. I mean at college, it’s done completely differently, and I’m only 7 hours from home. 

I’ve also been raised to be extremely dependent, and I broke down to a friend about this the other day. I’ve been raised to believe that I can’t do anything because I have Crohn’s disease, and that I need to just lay around. It’s one thing when my mom insists on driving me to summer classes when I’m sick, but when I’ve gotten told I cannot do my own laundry, when I’ve been yelled at for having a job (and then a year later for not having a job?), and been told that my father expected that, after my diagnosis of Crohn’s, that I would be at home and rely on them for the rest of my life, it makes sense that my ways of striving for freedom are a little messed up.

I want to be away from home, but my parents want me to be in school. So I’m at college 7 hours away. I want to move in with my boyfriend, but I know my parents will not let go of me until I’m married off like some arranged marriage. Any blunt attempt at freedom is a ping at their parenting, at them being able to love me, and it’s Oh well I guess you hate us now. It’s insane and possibly abusive and I go into major depressive episodes when I have to go home for breaks.

But they’re holding the golden ticket of health insurance over my head. I paid $2 total for two medications that I was told would be pretty pricey, because of their insurance. I’m in medically stable remission, and if I go off my medicine it can be dangerous to go back on it.

People have told me so many times that I should just do what I want, just move in with my boyfriend, just go to Japan or travel or go to culinary school and after 20 years of dealing with this BS how the hell am I supposed to do that? I want to break free but dear Lord a 20 year old should not be dealing with the choice of experiencing tastes of freedom or having help with her insane medical bills.

Over break I told my mom I was going to go out to the bar for my 21st birthday. She’s told me, non sarcastically and in all seriousness, that I will die from drinking (because of the Crooooohn’s). She looked at me, utterly terrified, and said, “You can’t!”

I laughed and said “Why not?”

That was a first.

x, Sarah